ANSWERS: 63
  • Oh, and while I’m here…my son went to his friend’s party. Apparently he was deliberately smashing things and using the f-word. His friend’s mother spanked him and put him in time out! I think she had some nerve! I NEVER spank my son, no matter how dreadful he is being. Should I confront her? What should I do? Help me :) Catie
    • Mr PantsFellDown
      Normally I'd be horrified at the mother's behavior, but he's deliberately trashing her house? Man, I might have socked him in the jaw myself. See my other answer below. You need a sea change badly, and right away!
    • mushroom
      You'd better get professional help fast. If it's just bad behavior, I'd start taking things away and yes a few slaps on the butt will go a long way, but it's not a panacea either. On the other hand, this could be a medical issue. If the kid starts acting out in school, or outside, this could become serious fast. Get help.
  • OMG!! I just spanked my son for the first time (yep, right after saying that I don’t spank). He was hitting the dog and I walked over and popped him lightly on his bottom. Straight-away I felt terrible, but he just laughed, put his rude finger up, and told me I was weak and spanking didn’t matter to him anyway because it didn’t hurt. What am I doing wrong? Many thanks – Catie. *god i better not let him see this or it will really screw him up lol*
    • mushroom
      I had to spank my kid in the preteen years. Behavior is still very rude with us, but if it's getting too far out of line, all I need to do is raise my hand.
  • I really think you should start to consider to spank him because what ever form of discipline you are using is not working at all. I would write a a thank you card to that boys mother for being able to do something you are unable to do. Your son is only going to get worse and he will walk all over you every chance he gets. Here is another idea for you: Ship him off to military school for a afew years and see how he feels.
  • Yes, maybe you're right but it sounds so horrible lol But did she have the right to spank?
  • 'I don't spank him'..... obviously.
  • This is terrible! My nine-year-old son has absolutely no respect for me! How can I earn his respect? How do I stop him ridiculing me? Awaiting your reply, Catie
    • mushroom
      Don't let words bother you. The kid is still a kid. You don't have to provide anything more than shelter, school and three squares. Disconnect the TV, put a lock on the room with the internet modem and shut it off when need be. Make sure money is secure. It doesn't make your life easier, but you have to act like you're above all that.
  • Whats up with you? Your NINE year old son just shows you the finger and you actually let it go? Get a hold of yourself woman! Today he does this to you, hiw own mother, no telling what he will do tomorrow. This is the age when he should start learning to respect girls, let alone women. He does this when he is older and he becomes a disgrace to you and himself! Maybe he is getting into bad company. Are you single? If you arent, ask your husband to hit him but not too hard considering the laws in your place. Like Trojan said, try putting him in military school or lock him up in his bedroom for a week without letting him out(except to give him food and water or bathroom breaks) or threaten to call the police. If he thinks you're just bluffing, pretend you're calling the police whereas you're actually calling a relative or friend (male preferably) and ask him to talk to him. Tell your friend/relative to give your son a warning. See if that works. And you need to control your emotions about hitting him. Do it if its necessary but not too hard as I mentioned earlier. You can also put up restrictions at schools by talking to the teachers like no eating candy in school or something. No sweetstuff at home either until he learns to behave. The more you give in to his stupidity, the more rowdy he becomes. Keep in touch about what happens through comments.
  • sorry to ask this but have you had him checked out to see if his behaviour is caused by a medical condition. My friends young son had really bad behaviour problems and it turned out that he was suffering from ADHD. He is now on medication and he is a much calmer and happier child. Good luck and I hope you find a solution soon. xxx
    • mushroom
      Medicine can be a double edged sword. We couldn't medicate because it exacerbated an underlying tic condition. But seek medical help so you know what you're dealing with.
  • You actually discipline him and stick to it, for pity's sake. No television, not any. No radio/music, not any. Making amends to those he has harmed and apologizing. Pocket money? Maybe if you are asleep and dreaming. Those sneakers he just had to have? Sorry, gone. Have a nice cheap pair from Payless. That toy he loves to play with? Salvation Army, baby. After school activities like playing basketball, etc? Nope, sorry. That's for those who can control their behavior. Going outside to play? Nope, that is for those who can control their behavior. Bicycle? The Goodwill sold that to needy children. The idea that privileges/enjoyments are associated with good behavior and earned is something this boy needs to learn.
  • Ummm...where shall I start lol? I can't post a comment because I don't have an email address so I had to put in a fake one and I am unconfirmed. Secondly, I have had my son (James) tested for ADHD, he has got it and he is already on medication. The medication has been working until a few weeks ago, when he started going really crazy and being really rude and naughty. I took him to the doctor, but they said they have no idea why it isn't working! Perhaps it is just a discipline problem. I know that he had a falling out with a friend, and he has been in with a slightly dodgy crowd at school. I have forbidden him to hang out with them, but I think he is disobeying me while he is at school. I will discuss these issues with the teachers and principal. I am not a single parent, I have a husband named Rich. Rich says he will spank James if it is easier for me, but I am just going to have to face the fact that I will need to spank sometimes lol. I think I will call up the friend who spanked him tonight, and thank her and apologise. Tommorow, I will take James round there and he can apologise and pay (out of his pocket-money!) for the damaged items. Thank you for the privelege removal suggestions, I'm sure I will use them. Rich came home last night with a wooden spoon; when I asked him what it was for, he said everytime we caught James hitting Maxi (the dog), he would get a whack with it! We are going to be consistent, James will be rewarded when he is good, and punished when he is bad. I believe this way we can fix the problem. Please don't hold this issue against me, I still want to continue using AB. Thank you for all your help, Catie :)
  • I'd be looking for a "tough love" program for him and some parenting classes for you. He knows he can walk all over you, and is milking it for all it's worth. You need to get a spine, and take charge. That doesn't mean you beat the kid, but it does mean that you are firm, set limits, and enforce the limits. Seriously, if you need help, get it.
  • You have a real problem, the disiplines of old are now outlawed and so the boy wins. I suggest you take him along to a social worker that seems to have all of the answers and let them demonstrate just how 21st century discipline works out!
  • Are you sure that you are not an enabler? seriously, I am not trying to insult you...sometimes you just can't see clearly from the inside of a situation
  • beat him. plain and simple, get to beatin.
  • GIRL!!!!!!! im sorry but you are going to have to show him some tuff love even if it hurts....i mean come on now the little boy is nine years old.....and he is taking controll of you.... (I DON"T THINK SO!!!) you need to do something now because if this keeps on happening by the time he gets older he is gonna start abusing women and just people 4 the hell of it... So i say you get him cheak out by a doctor or something 4 ADHD cause he most got some kind of disorder or something but i know if that little boy is hitting you and spitting in your face you need to pop him right in the mouth cause ill be damn if i got a little 9 year old boy doing that SH*i to me that is very disrepectful.....GET IT TOGETHER GIRL!!!!! ~GODBLESS~:(
  • Set every thing by example.Keep him away from bad company and violent Tv shows.Just encourage him to do something innovative. Its the simplest thing to do.Engage him in some produtive work .
  • Wash out his mouth with soap, make him sleep with the dog all week. and then spank him!!! I'm not trying to come across as mean.
  • Honestly? You are going to have to be strong, consistant, and a united front with his father. Your son needs to be spanked and hard. He also needs follow up punishment like paying for things he breaks and apologizing for hurting people and loss of toys and privlages. In fact I'd take them all away now and make him earn them back. You also need to set rules for him that are concise and easy to follow. Once he starts to behave give praise, praise, and more praise with one thing back at a time. And change that diet. No more candy or soda or anything else processed. If he doesn't like it he can go hungry. In fact just empty out those cupboards so he can't sneak it. Next is send him outside and make him work off that energy either in a sport or just laps around the yard. Now, I want you to be prepared for lots of resistance at first and some back slides. This is not going to happen over night by any means. Definitly talk to his teachers and the princilple so you can all get on the same page. In fact you just might find out your son's the leader of the pack. And don't forget the parents of those boys. They need to know what's been going on and your concerns. As for what happened at that party your son got exactly what he needed a wake up call. If you lash out at the mother for discipling him in her home for destroying her property you are teaching him it's okay to be break the rules in other people's home since you will come to his aid. That teachs him to dispect others as well as you. Now on to what I think is wrong. I thought ADHD too till I read your other posts about the meds not working, destroying property, the nasty language, and the hitting the dog and other violent acts. That's not ADHD that's something far worse. ADHD is the inability to sit still and concentrate for long periods of time. Children with this do not deliberately hurt others and destroy property. I should know I have it. He's showing signs of a mental illness and no amount of Ritaline is going to help that. In fact it will make it worse. Your son needs a psychatrist and fast. In fact therapy for all of you is in order here. If you don't get a handle on this you will be unleshing a monster on socity in about three years. And the law will hold you legally responsable for every robber, vandalism, assult and battery, rape, and murder this boy does. I will tell you good luck and keep us posted.
  • Slowly take things away one by one. Don't tell him you are, just do it. Stash them somewhere he wouldn't think to look. Every time he asks "where's my stuff?" hit him back with another question- why are you a brat? Why do you beat the dog? If he does it more because of that, take more stuff away. Not only that, start destroying stuff and throwing it away. But don't do it with anger, do it calmly!!!! Another wise you'll show him that hate and cruelty are ok, so do it with a small sigh and a shrug.
  • Take away everything he enjoys and shut him in his room until he repents.
  • I have no children, so take this with a grain of salt. A lot of these things he does to you seem to be rooted in disrespect. Have you considered putting him in mind of all you do for him - by not doing what you do? Don't do his laundry - he can do it himself. Make him take the bus to school if you drive him. If things get really bad, don't cook for him (though don't do this if you have other kids - that's probably a bit much). Things like that. If I'd been his age and my mom had done that to me, I'd have 1) straightened up real quick, and 2) the biggest problem - that he doesn't have the respect he ought to have for you as his mother - may go away because he'll realize just how much you do for him and how grateful he should be and how much respect he should have for you. Talk about it with your husband, and you two can stick together on it. And as with any method of discipline - STICK WITH IT.
  • I am impressed that so many people favor taking the hard line, not what I expected. I think your answer is clear Catie
  • You really are a great bunch of people on AB! Rich and I are using your suggestions (much to James' disgust lol - too bad, he brought it on himself!) and they appear to be working - if James is not quite back to normal, he's showing a lot more respect to us. I particularly liked the "take everything away and earn it back" suggestion. We are also cutting right back on his sweet food, and keeping the school informed. Once again, I thank you. luv Catie xx :)
  • You really are a great bunch of people on AB! Rich and I are using your suggestions (much to James' disgust lol - too bad, he brought it on himself!) and they appear to be working - if James is not quite back to normal, he's showing a lot more respect to us. I particularly liked the "take everything away and earn it back" suggestion. We are also cutting right back on his sweet food, and keeping the school informed. And great news - I am pregnant!!! Once again, I thank you. luv Catie xx :)
  • Handle it just like my mom handled it. Wait till he does something out of line (something worthy of it) then spank him (hard, don't pussy-foot around, make it hurt) and send him to his room, remove anything that could be fun from the room, and make him earn it back by improving his behavior. Make sure he knows that this will happen again if he doesn't keep up a standard.
  • he hits a living life form that won't fight back, that's definitely crossing a line. you should teach him about animal cruelty and how it is not a laughable situation, that it is a punishable offense.
  • catie you need to stick to your your methods even if its sad because you're only doing for his good if you dont do it now next thing you will know is you have to do is bail him out from jail would you rather bail him out from jail or spank him now?
  • catie you need to stick to your your methods even if its sad because you're only doing for his good if you dont do it now next thing you will know is you have to do is bail him out from jail would you rather bail him out from jail or spank him now?
  • catie you need to stick to your your methods even if its sad because you're only doing for his good if you dont do it now next thing you will know is you have to do is bail him out from jail would you rather bail him out from jail or spank him now?
  • talk talk talk ..enough!! put him over your knee and spank his bare bottom ...then stand him in the corner ! let him think about his actions AFTER with red cheeks ...end of story .. p.s. tell him from now on its going to be how he will be punished ...I bet he changes his ways ... for the better !
  • Boot camp might be in order here
  • You should NEVER hurt a child physically in any way! why don't you let him try to attend to, say, martial arts class for children (know a couple of rowdy, young boys, who were taught great discipline there) talking to him, without being patronizing, could also be adviced.
  • The first time he spit in my face, would be his last. Your child is out of control and you apparently are not an authority figure to him. you are heading for big trouble, as he gets older. He will defy authority and become a criminal, if you do not take corrective measures right now. The use of a belt for punishment is permissible as long as its not above the waste. your child needs discipline, in the worst way. If all else fails, have him arrested as an unruly child. the state will send him to a place where he will learn to respect you and other people.
  • I had to get my son out of the city and away from the nasty kids he was hanging around with. I was lucky, though, that my ex-husband already lived in the country and my current husband was happy to move to the country, and his job allows us to live where ever. My son has had a complete turn around!
  • I think that if you let him get this far,. you need serious professional help.
  • I find it odd that he can spit in your face and hit on the family dog and you think spanking his hand is cruel -- Seek Counsel for him , he has you just where he wants you -- Take Control
  • Supper Nanny Jo!! Check out her books.
  • Isolate him and whip his ass. He might be allergic to something. Kids that are that out of control usually have some sort of allergy. Citrus is a common one.
  • If you don't liketo spank start taking things away. Every time he does something nasty take away what he loves. The worse he did the more you take. Eventually he will learn and if not you just send him to my house for a day and I gaurently he would return home and love you and be just as sweet as can be. Lol. Your child needs a serious attitude ajustment and you have to be the one to deal with it. If you can't do that then you aren't doing your job as a parent. When you gave birth to him you made a silent promise to yourself and him to raise a wonderful member of society and in that you must teach him right from wrong and that their are consequences for every action.
  • heh ok story time. Summer time, promotion boards, i had to march my company to get promoted, they were rude, not listening and well were being @$$sdfs and i was nothing to them. They didn't respect me at all or even the CCO. My CCO kept telling me to get them under control and i finally said "mam hold on just a min before you continue yelling at me" i turned to my company "Company halt" i got in front of them and i scared the #@$! out of them with my commanders voice. I'm not gonna repeat what i said but they realized they had to respect me or well they aint gonna have too much fun. After all that my company loves me and respects me as their goofy tech officer. now what im trying to say is try talking some sense into your child words can be a useful tool try to see why he is acting out, for attention, because he is upset about something, if that fails pt (Physical Training) i know it may seem weird but its effective and NOT child abuse. Push ups works the best and i love doing pushups =D BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DONT HIT!!! Child abuse is wrong and i've been abused now im really flinchy. Sometimes a counselor may help if he doesn't want to talk to you.
  • Beat the living shit out of him and tell him if he doesn't change you will put him up for adoption.
  • Let him end up in jail. And I don't mean kid jail. I mean real jail with iron bars and concrete walls. And no matter how he whines and complains and objects, leave him there. When the courts release him, he wont do it again. And someone mentioned he'd become a criminal? BECOME? Property damage, animal cruelty and assault and battery ARE CRIMES.
  • He's going to wind up in jail if you don't stop him soon. Kids become much worse in Middle School. Watch Clockwork Orange and imagine him dancing to Singin' in the Rain. You need to correct this. Ask some other parents how they deal with it.
  • Ummm..... you are doing better than I am cuz one of my kids would only spit in my face once...lol! Dont get me wrong this is no laughing matter, but you need to do whatever it takes to teach your child respect...even if it means a spanking.
  • the child that spits in my face, shall get the saliva smacked out of his mouth.
  • You need to really put your foot down here. Your son is out of control. I would suggest spanking (though, certainly not beating) and depriving him of priviledges until her learns to behave himself, everything from confiscating favourite toys to not allowing him to see friends or watch television. Also, make him apollogize for everything that he does wrong. You should also consider the possibility that your son has a disorder that is causing him to behave this way. Seeing a family counselor might help matters, or at least determine whether he does have a medical condition such as oppositional-defiant disorder, so that it can be treated.
  • OK. I see where you said you popped him on his bottom but he flipped you off and said it didn't hurt. This kid needs serious discipline. Spank him so it does hurt him. Now, I'm not advocating bruising him. But it should hurt his behind. I always bought a dowel rod from the craft store. Then use other punishment along with it. He must apologize for his actions! Here is how it should go. 1) Do not spank in anger. Count to ten. Then go over to him and explain to him that you are going to spank him and why. Explain in detail what he did wrong, what you expect from him, and that he will be spanked until his behaviour changes. 2) Spank him 3 or 4 times on his behind. Look him in the eyes and ask him if he is going to change his behaviour. If he backtalks, tell him how much it hurts you to have to spank him because you love him so much, but that you discipline him because you love him and want him to grow up to be a good boy. Then spank him again. 3) Repeat this until he agrees to change his behaviour and apologizes for his actions. 4) He must bend over and touch his toes for the spanking. This is to protect his hands. Children often put their hands behind their backs to protect their bottoms. But this then gets their hands spanked and this is much more painful and can hurt them. Bottoms have padding. Hands do not. 5) After he agrees to change his behaviour and apologizes, hug him and tell him you love him and cry together if you feel like it. Tell him how happy it makes mommy that you don't have to spank him any more, but that you will again if you have to because that is how much you love him. This worked with my kids. They are now 14, 16, and 18. I pick my battles. I talk out most things. I haven't spanked the youngest one in about a year, but I would if I had to and she knows it.
  • I'm an adult with Asperger's syndrome and certainly never acted like this at 9 years (or any other age). I was too scared to because I knew I would have got a hiding. I don't know if this was altogether good but it is still better than not having had any guidelines to live by. It would be a good idea to take this boy to the doctor and get him checked out for conditions such as ADHD and Aspergers. Kids sometimes act out like this if they are being abused. But it sounds to be as if he has also been spoilt for quite a few years. I'd go with the idea of taking away privileges and favourite toys if he misbehaves rather than beatings, which only teach hatred. A quick slap for hitting the dog is fair enough but I don't believe in beating kids with belts and cords as this is abusive.
  • I know smacking is'nt very nice but sometimes it's the only way to get kids to behave,notice i said kids i.e under 12,it does'nt work with teenages they have a habit of hitting back.
  • Your child has ADD Assbeating Deficit Disorder. Only you can cure that.
  • I answered one of the spanking questions a min. ago. Time out and no discipline such as spanking is a waste of time and that is why your child is so unruly! Perfect example! Spanking is only cruel if you over do it to the point you are beating them. Spank them to teach them " no don't do that or this is your consequence, and you can expect ONE good one until you decide not to do it anymore." It's rediculous not to discipline your child. At that age if you are using time out he's just going to say " oh wow mom, i had to sit in a corner and think about what i've done. thought about it and now im going to do it agian b/c i know you are not going to do anything to me about it." suprise him and throw out a good spanking to him. no need for belts or switches. let him know who's boss, not him!
  • i am in the same situation my 10 tear old is just as bad and YES I MEAN BAD he has been diagnosed w/ ADHD and no medication is working and worst of all he has called CPS on his father 2 times now he is unable to even be with his dad. I am engagrd and he hates my fiance my son thinks he is a full grown man and no one can tell him what to do. I am the disciplinarian and spanking enrages him and after the whoopins he's recieved they do NOTHING he is in mental health counseling and they let him talk it out but when he gets home and is confronted w/ rules he is the same angry misbehaven child maybe one day it will get better but i dont see that day anytime soon. my case is hopeless i am just luckt to still have a job with the 10 suspensions from school he has had and being called to pick him up every other day i dont mean to scare this woman but this is atrue story and i'm sorry.
  • I dont have any children so Im not speaking from personaly experince, just from what Ive read or heard from others. Spanking generally isnt very effective. Its short-term and children can switch off during those times so its like they wernt punished at all. Seems like your son needs a reality check. I'v heard that an affective way of managing problem behaviour is taking away things he enjoys and having him earn them back.... so if you feel that your sons behaviour is extreme... well lets take extreme action. Strip down his room to the bare necessaties (matress and wardrobe) - everyhthing else - toys, posters, phone, internet, play time, tv, video games, desert, snacks, etc etc etc... ALL GONE. Be prepared - he will chuck a tantrum, and you'll prob see him at his worst. When he is clamer - explain that his behaviour is unacceptable - be specific - like hitting the dog, splitting in my face... etc. And if he wants those luxuries back he is going to have to EARN them. One at a time... as he shows improved behaviour. If he resorts back to his old habits then go back and take away. Its going to be difficult, but the worst thing you can do in this situation is give up, give in or be in-consistant. This child need to have set rules and bounderies and understand that if he is the cause of these things being taken away YET is also the only one that can bring them back. Good luck !!!
  • Spanking seems cruel???? It is only cruel if you beat the child. A child that bad needs one!
  • Well I would spank him. Or pop him in his chest a couple of times. No child will beat my ass or spite on me and not feel no pain afterward. And you have to be consistance and if that doesnt work then I would seek mental help.
  • hi try having a 14year old that does the same and he isnt even my kid he's my wifes first kid with her first marrage. i have 3 other children and he calls my 10 year old a twat,fucker and pussy and his reasoning is that' they are going to learn it from somewhere anyway' he has got not respect for me as a father figure ( not his father) or for his mother when we have arguements he swears all the time and walked out of the house i shout after him and he sticks the fingers up. he has no respect for himself or others. his dad sees him every 2 weeks for 2 days and thats it and you cant use that as an excuse i have been with him since he was 2 years old. yes he is a teenager and they are miserable sod but he should do as i say in my house simple as that. the other day he went to swing at me so i grabbed him and put him to the ground,it that right? so he phones his dad then and his dad said i will come and knock your block off using every swear word in the book when i am telling his son not to swear, after his dad apologises but only i think because he doesnt want him at his house. help me please
  • corner him and be firm with what you want to tell him. force eye contact and never give in.
  • Sounds to me like you've let your feelings get in way of showing this kid some discipline. Have he gets his ass cracked a few dozen times he'll start to get the point. Kids need guidance and discipline in order to grow into adults. Not all need to be spanked, but some do. It's just the fact of life.
  • Kiddie boot camp.
  • i feel for you. my sons doc thought he might have had a form of asbergers, so i understand a little about your dilemma. my son is 12 now, bigger than me, and sometimes he hits me. his doc says i should call the cops the next time, but i cannot bring myself to do it. i just continue to bring him to counseling and hopefully the doc will help him to control his temper by visits and/or medication. DO NOT HIT a child, ever!
  • I think that you should spank him and that is how you should deal with the problem.
  • I wrote the following BEFORE I KNEW you don't ever punish him. Wow. You got a mess going on. You may need to hire professional help. I'll leave my original answer, but obviously you have ALLOWED him to become a horror and have no respect for you, and I dont think changing to a rewards system as i originally suggested will help. He doesnt respect you. So he isnt going to start respecting you. *shakes head* I'd hire help. You may even get told you'll have to start beating him when he's got it coming. I don't know anymore. You let this get far too far out of hand. Parents who dont ever punish are just weakly foolish and ineffective . Do you get that now? *sigh*. ((ORIGINAL ANSWER:Discipline is precisely what you DONT need. Replace punishing unwanted behavior with a system of rewarding wanted behavior. It may just change his focus entirely. There are books on this. And you can try googling on youtube. But I know for sure, more "punishing" wont fix things. Kids will learn to seek negative attention as the kind they can get, and thats what punishing is. But if you start offering rewards for wanted behaviors, and you do it right (not like Chamberlain placating the Nazis) then you can entirely change the way he seeks attention. Google this. Go to the book store. Seek it, find it, employ it. ((((THAT'S WHAT I ORIGINALLY WROTE, but you got too much gone wrong, hire some professional help! And if you cant bring yourself to punish, maybe youre unfit even. I'm so sorry, but...this isnt normal stuff.
  • Your and your son both need professional help! See a family counselor ASAP!

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