ANSWERS: 21
  • Yeah, she's still your spouse's mom. Just make your husband buy you a spa day when she comes to visit. You'll be away from the crap, and you'll be pampered. BTW-My MIL does the same thing. I just make sure our visits are few and far between.
  • First thing you should do is to find out why she's ignoring you. If there's a problem that can be fixed, it's usually worth fixing.
  • why not talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling? Then get him and you and your mother in law together and get to the bottom of the problem if there is one.
  • Discuss it with your husband. He has a right to have her in his home but he should be concerned about how you feel or are being treated. It would be his place to ask his mom about what the problem is and to make it a point that you don't feel comfortable with her perceived behavior towards you.
  • That would probably end up causing problems between you and your spouse..after all, she is still his mom. I would be very polite and gracious..just because she is rude, doesn't mean you have to be. Don't give her any "ammunition" to use against you. You know.."kill her with kindness", or rather, in this case..confuse her with it. ;-)
  • My mother-in-law acts in a similar fashion. When she leaves a voicemail at our house, she always just says "Hi" to my husband and children,for instance. It's like she forgets I live here sometimes. I have begun to leave the house, go work out, run errands or whatever I might need to do while she is at our house visiting. That way, she can have quality time with my husband and kids and I don't feel slighted when she barely acknowledges my existence.
  • Well you could say you don't want her in your home but what does your husband say? If he agrees, everything will be alright. If he goes against your wishes, then your home life would be in jeopardy because it is his mother and that is a tough choice unless your love for each other is strong.
  • From a male perspective - It's always easier to avoid conflict, but it is also unhealthy for your marriage. Unconfronted aggresively, a manipulative parent can destroy an otherwise outstanding marriage. I've seen it before with a daughter who had a (also unhealthy) girlfriend/girlfriend vs. mother/daughter relationship with her mother and couldn't go half a day without speaking to her mother. Needless to say, her mother didn't like her daughter's husband and was always making "insignificant" comments to her daughter about him. And her daughter was too interested in maintaining her relationship with her mother that she was unwilling to confront her meddling mother. When opportunity finally presented itself (in the form of financial issues), the MIL jumped at the opportunity to demonize her daughter's husband and form an ultimatum for her daughter to leave her husband or not receive financial aid. Unfortunately, the relationship between the wife and MIL was too great and a solution to great financial problems too seductive that thier marriage is now over. Based on your description of the situation - By avoiding conflict with his mother, your husband is saying her (a disrespectful, kiniving, wedge-seeking individual) feelings are more important than yours (should be his center of the universe). In no way am I recommending you present your spouse with an ultimatum, but you really need to let him know that he has to decide whether his disrespectful mother's feelings or his "center of the universe" spouse's feelings are more important. Basically your husband needs to realize and act upon two things - 1. There are two parties here. A disrespectful, inconsiderate, manipulative aggressor and a blameless, guiltless victim. Why is he afraid of offending the former who has no basic human decency herself? 2. He is the head and protector of your household and HE must aggresively handle even the pettiest of things that might cause strife in his domain and threaten the intertwined welfare of himself, his wife, and kids - To include his own parents. Basically, he needs to grab a pair, look his mother in the eyes, and tell her "It ends now". (plus he should demand that she apologize to you)
  • I simply would not tolerate that . I am the queen in my house and I will not let someone do that
  • How did things deteriorate? Before you got married how did she treat you? How is her health? Has she always been like this or has she changed? Have you always treated her with respect and been polite? How does your spouse perceive how she treats you? If she is simply being mean and nasty, she is still your spouse's mother and that requires civility on your part. Perhaps when she visits you can absent yourself..if there is no possibility of resolution..if your spouse won't intercede or say something on your behalf, I think it is up to you to be the model and be as kind as you can be under the circumstances. You will not regret it. :)
  • Your home, your choice, although your spouse might argue the point. My former father-in-law started fighting with my ex-wife about a month after we got married, in my home. I kicked him out for over 6 months. He would come over to let her brother visit, but would stay outside in the van (winter time) for a couple hours until his son was done visiting. My ex asked me if it was ok to let him in. I told her "go ahead", but the next time he does it, it will be forever. He never did it in my house again. Darn, it was so much fun. :-)
  • I'm sorry to hear that. Did you have a falling out with her or is it that you haven't been around long enough to get to know each other? Either way, to some extent, when you get married you marry the family as well. It doesn't sound that she is abusive to you, so I don't think that you would be justified to keep her out of your home. It's your spouse's home too. My advice is grin and bear it. Talk to your spouse about the problem and attempt to resolve it.
  • You must feel hurt and frustrated. The thing is, it sounds like much of the trouble stems from poor communication. The only way to improve that communication is to work on getting to know each other better and forming more healthy relationships. Of course, your mother-in-law should not show disrespect by ignoring you. But to return it or refuse to see her won't do anything to help the situation. Sometimes in a difficult position, one person has to choose to take the high road. Sometimes killing with kindness can melt ice and break down barriers. Your mother-in-law may never change the way she acts, but you get to choose how to react. You can learn not to let it get to you, you can resolve that this is how the woman works and what time she spends with her son and his wife is still precious, if far from perfect. She won't stop being your husband's mother, so maybe forging ahead and trying to get to know her better is a good place to start. Good luck.
  • No you aren't, but have you discussed this with your DH? Why does not insist that visitors in his home, respect his wife? I would start with that arguement, and argue about MIL later.
  • if she can't treat you in a civil manner i'd tell her not to bother coming. Once she can start treating you with some respect, whether she actually likes you or not, then maybe gudgingly i would let her in but only for the sake of loved ones.
  • I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your mother-in-law. The bottom line is that it's your home and you shouldn't have anyone over that makes you feel uncomfortable. If she can't be civil and treat you with respect in your own home, then she need not bother coming over. Your home--your rules. Draw the line! What does your husband think of all this?
  • I can understand your anger.You could try killing her with kindness(and only kindness,lol!)with no expectations of a sudden change in her behaviour.It will make you look like a saint to everyone and will probably be better for your state of mind rather than telling her off etc.Use it as a source of entertainment.But...if she goes against the rules of your household that's a different story.I would then have to set her straight and not allow her back until she can act right.Good luck.
  • That is really gross. But you must allow her in your home all the same. How despicable. Just remember that she may be jealous so forgive her as jealousy is an enormous punishment in itself. There are few instances of pain that are greater than that.
  • Yes. You need to fix this relationship. Mothers mean a lot to their sons and daughters. After we grow up we still want to speak to them and spend time with them. Certainly your wife will want to spend time with her mother. Many jokes have been made regarding in laws, but there is nothing funny about feuding with close relatives. Obviously your feelings have been hurt. You feel disrespected. Perhaps, rightfully so. For the sake of your family, move beyond the feelings of anger and do what you can yo rebuild your relationship with your mother-in-law. Your entire family will benefit from the peace that this creates.
  • This happens to every wonderful wife - and because she sees you as competition. It sounds like the mother in law is so jealous of you. If she can't look you in the eyes, it doesn't matter where you are when this happens, then why meet her more than absolutely necessary. You are a gift to your husband, and I hope he will defend you!
  • Only if I'd run out of *every *other options. And my spouse was also in the loop of the situation - and supported me on it.

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