ANSWERS: 14
  • This 'old friend of ours' didn't really turn out to be much of a friend to me and hadn't been for more than 20 years, what with him being one of the people who felt they had a right to bang my first wife. So I cut off all personal contact with him for more than 20 years. My best friend knew what happened and also understood why I dropped this guy from my list of friends like a hot potato. I long since let go of any anger or animosity concerning the affairs of my ex-wife, the violations of trust, and all the other issues associated with her and people I knew who were involved. In fact, pretty much all I feel for my ex is a sense of pity; because her personality, unless she changes, will never allow her to feel love or trust the way I do. And that's really sad. So, here it is, more than two decades later and he's now dead. And I could honestly care less. I don't feel angry. I don't feel as if justice has been served. I don't feel he got what he deserved. I don't feel happy about it. I just don't care that he died. I'm not upset with how I feel. I don't feel guilty about it. I don't seek sympathy or grief over it. But I AM curious as to what other people think of this, perhaps if they've had a similar situation.
  • It sounds like you have apathy for the entire situation, you dont care either way about him. I dont think negatively of you, i know that there are people that when they die, i wont be moved in anyway. Just...meh.
  • I think it just shows that you have completely moved on, good for you!
  • I like that you're honest enough to say you don't care about his death, and that you don't feel the need to pretend that you do, and I like how you're not mean hearted enough to rejoice in his death. Your first wife was stupid to let you go. :)
  • For someone you knew "back when", and had "dropped" as a friend, I don't see as a problem, though it seems you may feel that others would. We're getting to the age when we're going to see people we knew "back then" die. Only the ones we truly felt something for, or with whom we did things we may be nostalgic about are going to affect us in any way. We will feel sad about those we felt something for, and nostalgic when we remember remember things we did with them. The ones that SHOULD affect us most will be those with whom we've kept contact, and those we still consider to be "friends", even if we haven't seen them for a long time. It sounds like you agonized over this long ago, and when you reported him, you "let it go". You may have felt bad for a while, but having moved on with your life, especially after your divorce, it's almost like hearing about a kid your age from another school died... You think it's sad it happened, but what does it really mean to you? Now, if you KNEW the kid, or (s)he went to your school, you would feel bad, because you knew them, and you know how the death would affect the people you DO know and like. That you didn't feel happy that he died is good. You'd let it go, so... That you didn't feel sad, means you didn't know him or care for anyone he knew. Why would you feel angry about the death of someone you no longer cared for? "Justice was served", to you, back when you reported him, and you divorced your wife. His death was just "anti[-climactic" to the situation. Few people deserve death for "cheating". We may feel like it if we're the ones being cheated on, but LONG after the fact, after we've gotten past it, after we no longer think about it daily, it's just something that occurred in our past. I DO hope that if you knew his family, that you feel something for them... They've lost a son, a sibling, a grandson, etc. It's interesting that this occurrence has made you look at your feelings about it. Many would just note it and that would be that. I'm hoping, knowing the situation, that when your ex dies and you find out, that you DO feel something. No matter how you fell about her now, you DID love her, and she gave birth to some of your children, though, you haven't seen them for years because of her. I certainly hope you don't feel happy, vindicated, or that "justice was served", "angry", nor that she "got what she deserved". I hope you feel sad that she's gone, and your children, again, even if you never meet them, no longer have the mother - their only bio parent they knew their whole lives - that they grew up with. I hope you feel at least a little sad that she's gone, and that you can finally let go of any animosity, dislike, pity, etc. you may still have towards her. I also hope you get a chance to meet and talk with your children by her, and they understand that everything that happened was NOT your fault. Meanwhile, you have a loving wife, great kids you CAN see at times (because of your job), and people you know you can trust, and people who care for you. Remember that. You also have to know that there are many people in life, and on AB who will be sad when you go. (And probably a few trolls who will care less. ;-) )
  • I am able to distance myself emotionally quite easily. I have sociopathic tendancies, I'm sure. Seriously, I don't take death seriously, so I don't go nuts mourning about it. I don't fear death and I don't feel sorry when someone dies. It's a process we all experience.
  • I would feel the same way. My first wife did something similar and "Friend" mutually known died. I was thankful that he did not suffer (cancer) but other than that nothing.
  • Many answers here make a lot of sense. However, I see something in the fact that you decided to post a question and detailed answer about this. To me it shows that this wasn't completely indifferent to you. Maybe you chose and decided to feel that way. but indifference, this is not. Maybe the posting of this was some sort of catharsis for you because the pain caused by the betrayal, resulting in the ending of your friendship, although seemingly forgotten or overcome was still lingering somehow. Just my opinion.
  • It's great that you're being so honest first of all, and second of all, it's natural that you wouldn't care. He betrayed you in the worst possible way. It's great that you have moved on enough to be able to not care anymore :)
  • I think you're a lot stronger then I am. I don't hate anyone in my past experience with such an issue but I'm nowhere near moved on, and def not able to trust anybody. Hell I even quit talking to my friends, so I guess I'm down to zero.
  • It just goes to show that you have forgiven and moved on from this dreadful time. You have put the past well and truly where it should be - in the past. An ex-friend of mines husband has recently died and I also don't have any feelings whatsoever. Initially I felt I should have felt something for him, but now I accept that he is dead and moved on in my life.
  • I think we all worry about how we *should* feel about things. Who are we to tell anyone else how they should feel? I think you have moved on and gotten over it. If its been years since you've even thought of this person, then why would you care they've died? They're basically a stranger
  • Your feelings sound perfectly valid and your lack of feelings about this man seem to illustrate how you have truly let go of the trangressions of the past. It all sounds very healthy to me.
  • I think it shows you are a good and decent man. The fact that you had nothing to do with his death after all he did shows that. Letting it go, and moving forward to a happy life was it's own reward.:)

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