ANSWERS: 61
  • She/he has a face that resembles the north end of a southbound horse. The cheque is in the mail. (always good for a laugh) I'm not an alcoholic. They go to the meetings.
  • The feces have hit the oscillating blades.
  • I'm so hungry I could eat the rear end of a mintruated skunk!
  • It's hotter than two bunnies humpin' in a wool sock.
  • She looked gorgeous - until I opened my eyes.
  • An elderly patient informed us yesterday of the fact that she was so happy that she was "laughing teacakes". EDIT Today she let us know that she would take great care in transferring into her wheelchair, as she did not want to "flop down like a Golliwog!".
  • sharp as a cue ball, quick as a tree
  • She/he's got summerteeth. Some are there, some aren't. She's got butterface. Her body is smokin', but her face...!
  • You lie like a flat fish. Also... as mad as a box of frogs...
  • "It's a cold as a witch's titty out here" I really hate that word, but I laugh everytime I hear someone say that phrase. Also (maybe not that funny- but the setting is what made it comical), once my great-grandmother was talking to the priest at church and she slipped out and told him "It's hotter than 7 hells in here!" hahah.
  • You make my teeth sweat! Dumb as mud. Give me about 5 more drinks and we'll chat. You'd be at least 3 good reasons to go...straight/gay. Military Intelligence. He/She has the face of that which could make time stand still (break a clock) Obviously "Uncle-DAD" had a profound impact on your intelligence factor son. Your Aunt will need to prove that she is deceased before we can close her account. (ok probably more of a stupid thing said, than an actual saying, but then again...it was said once! duh) Oh yeah...and "Your ass is grass!" Now, what exactly does that mean? Gonna mow your ass? It's green? It's over grown?
  • as straight as a roundabout.
  • Dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
  • Warning, this is very cruel. A former teacher would say this (I've never used it) He's/she's the poster-child for birth control.
  • A sandwich short of a picnic (referring to mental capacity) It's brass monkeys out there (referring to cold weather)
  • He/she is just about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice! That one's just one pixel short of a bitmap... (along the same vein: "...one brick short of a load")
  • Someone said to me the other day- The wheel is there, but you are missing the hamster. The worst saying I have ever heard
  • He's about as useful as tits on a bull! Which hand do you count your I.Q on?
  • A man of hidden shallows
  • Water doesn't get to the roof (refering to a dumb person)
  • As ugly as hitting a priest with a bag of shit...
  • About as subtle as a train crash. If brains were chocolate, you wouldn't have enough for a smartie. As sharp as an elephants arse. The lights are on but there's no one home. She's got a face like a clumsy beekeeper Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan He's got a face like a dug licking p1ss off a nettle It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe. I wouldn't ride her into battle I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole More chins than a chinese phone book Face like a melted welly She smells like an alcaholics carpet She was like shagg1n a bucket of water Face like a sand blasted tomato Arse like a bag of dirty washing I wouldn't ride her if I had a bag of spare dicks Sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant She has been c0cked more times than Davy Crocket's Musket Face like a stuntman's knee Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
  • dumb as a can of worms. didn't get hit with an ugly stick, they used the whole tree. did some-one chase a snail across your face with a blow torch?
  • Sharp as a marble.
  • He has a face made for radio
  • body from baywatch face from crimewatch
  • "I'm hell when I'm well and I aint EVER sick"
  • Its like putting screen doors on a submarine, it aint gonna work..
  • Knee-high to a grasshopper... Seriously, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
  • She married beneath her Station, but then,all women do.
  • They are about as bright as a burnt out lightbulb. Use your head for something other than a hat rack. They are so deaf that they couldn't hear a dumptruck drive through a nitro glycerin factory. finer than froghair If this vans a rockin don't bother knockin. One brick shy of a load. They're elevator just don't go to the top floor.
  • Dumb as a sack of hammers. Your brain is like a BB in a boxcar. Well, ain't that some happy horse sh*t?
  • Your teeth are like stars...they come out at night. and a quintessential Aussie one: flat out like a lizard drinking (meaning I have lots of work )
  • "work, yeah i tried that once. worst 7 minutes of my life" hahahahah & "he who laughs last thinks slowest" :)
  • I love the different expressions for Ugly: "Face like a smashed crab." "Head like a dropped pie. (meat pie, Aussie)" "Head like a kicked-in-s***-tin" "head like a stomped possum" "She's got marks all over her body where folks keep touching her with a ten-foot pole." "She had a face that would turn a funeral up a side street" "If I had a bag of bruised and broken Johnsons, I still wouldnt giver her one" Etc....there is so much gold out there
  • 'What are you? Deaf?!' And when I reply, 'Yes' Their faces say it all, every single time this happens, it is worth the shit they've given me beforehand!
  • "That went over like a lead balloon" "when pigs fly"
  • "She looks like she got hit by an ugly stick, which knocked her off the top of the ugly tree and she hit every branch on the way down, then she was dragged through the whole dang ugly forest." "It's hotter than Vulcan's d**k." (from "Rome" I laughed for hours after hearing that for some reason) "24 Hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?" "In the jungle, they do it doggy-style."
  • pull like your pulling me off your sister!
  • as numb as a bag of hammers.
  • Uglier than a truckload of a**holes. At least I'm smart enough to realize that I'm not as smart as I think I am. (that's my own personal gem, sometimes when we listen to ourselves we hear how we sound...at least I can laugh at myself when necessary)
  • As useful as a chocolate fireguard. I would trust him as far as I could pee into the wind.
  • He/She continually strives toward mediocrity and fails to achieve it.
  • Colder than a welldiggers a** busier than a one armed paper hanger
  • Its like rearrangeing the deckchairs on the titanic.
  • Face like a shipwreck Useful as tits on a fish (tree, rock, etc) Hopeless as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest Please don't leave toothpicks in the urinals - crabs pole vault That went over like a pregnant pole vaulter BOHICA (Bend Over Here It Comes Again) You bullshit your friends and I'll bullshit mine but let's not bullshit each other. I wouldn't f*ck her with a stolen dick Big like truck, smart like tractor She's a farmer's dream - flat as a field and never been ploughed She's a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and never been nailed All the depth and glitter of a worn dime - Dorothy Parker The possibilities are endless Bliss
  • "Lit like a Roman candle",although yours is very funny.
  • As subtle and a hooker at the vicarage!
  • not the brightest crayon in the box. not the sharpest knife in the drawer. not the brightest light on the cake. she thought they said trains not brains, and stated, i'll take the next one.
  • Hotter than a fresh f***ed frog on a sunbaked lily pad. Shaking worse than Micheal Jackson at a Cub Scout meeting. Slicker than snot on a door knob. Runs faster than a scalded dog. Hornier than a 3 peckered billy goat. So ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
  • Comments That Actually Appeared On Job-Evaluation Forms (Clap your hands if you really believe that.) 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 8. Bright as Alaska in December. 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 11. Fell out of the family tree. 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 14. He's so dense, light bends around him. 15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 20. One neuron short of a synapse. 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 22. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead ---------- Insults With Style 1. Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel 2. A brain like a BB in a boxcar. 3. A couplet short of a sonnet. 4. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder 5. A few peas short of a pod 6. A few revisions behind. 7. A few tiles missing from his shuttle 8. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry 9. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. 10. A handle short of a suitcase. 11. A lap behind the field. 12. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body 13. A prime candidate for retroactive birth control 14. A semitone flat on the high notes. 15. A square with only three sides. 16. A teapot with a cracked lid. 17. A titanic intellect ... In a world full of icebergs. 18. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. 19. A violin minus the bow. 20. A wind-up clock without a key. 21. All booster, no payload. 22. All crown, no filling. 23. All hammer, no nail. 24. All missile, no warhead. 25. All shot, no powder. 26. All the lights don't shine in her marquee. 27. All wax and no wick. 28. Always in the right place at the wrong time. 29. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. 30. An early example of the Peter Principle. 31. An ego like a black hole. 32. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 33. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. 34. As bright as a nightlight 35. As sharp as a marble 36. Attic's a little dusty. 37. Bad spot on the disk. 38. Batteries not included. 39. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. 40. Been playing in the pharmacy section again. 41. Been short on oxygen a little too long 42. Been using her head as a mass driver. 43. Blew his O-rings. 44. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. 45. Blown/leaking head gasket. 46. Born during low tide in the gene pool 47. Born ugly and built to last. 48. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. 49. Brain transplant donor. 50. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. 51. Bubbles in her think tank. 52. Chimney's clogged. 53. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 54. Doesn't have all his groceries in the same bag. 55. Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks. 56. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops. 57. Downhill skiing in Iowa. 58. Driving with two wheels in the sand. 59. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. 60. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. 61. Four cents short of a nickel. 62. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel. 63. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt. 64. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. 65. Has it floored in neutral. 66. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein. 67. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. 68. He's so dense, light bends around him. 69. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 70. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 71. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. 72. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. 73. Knitting with only one needle. 74. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. 75. No filter in the coffee maker. 76. No hay in the loft. 77. On the batting end of a no-hitter. 78. Overdue for reincarnation. 79. Paralyzed from the neck up. 80. Receiver is off the hook. 81. Skating on the wrong side of the ice. 82. Slinky's kinked. 83. Some Assembly Required. 84. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder. 85. Surfing in Nebraska. 86. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. 87. Wasn't strapped in during launch. 88. Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook ----------
  • that went over like a fart in church I'd rather light myself on fire and run through a meth lab
  • She's so (physically plain, etc.) that it looks like she took a dive off the ol' ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
  • Dumb as a bag fulla hammers!
  • "I wouldn't pat her on the @ss if I was ballin' her!"
  • Well butter my butt and call it a biscuit.
  • haha i like to say "holy butt paste! I'm shittin bricks!" Shitting bricks was popular in the 80s. It roughly translates to "holy crap im scared!"
  • Dumber than a box of hair.
  • she is as innocent as a virgin in a whore house.
  • "That chick has a million dollar body, but a food-stamp face!"
  • 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?? +3

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